Without a doubt, the worst character you could possibly select when playing Mario Kart is Funky Kong.
I feel bad just listing him as a ‘character’ because he has none at all. He’s some stupid fucking ape who wears sunglasses and surfs. If he was actually cool he wouldn’t need to call himself ‘Funky’. Did The Fonz call himself ‘Groovy Fonz’? No! He just was groovy. That’s what true coolness is; being envied without even trying. No one envies Funky Kong except for idiots and clowns. His inclusion in Mario Kart Wii is an insult to Mario, Luigi and all the true characters who’ve toiled for years in our hearts, building their reputations and becoming loved personalities the world over. Funky Kong is just some arsehole secondary character from the shitty Rare developed Donkey Kong games who never offered anything decent to the franchise. Funky Kong is to Donkey Kong what Poochie is to Itchy and Scratchy; a bullshit shoehorning of focus group tested ‘cool’ into a franchise to solve a perceived image problem. We’re just waiting for Funky Kong to go back to his home planet, dying on the way.
It gets worse though because Funky Kong is the fastest character in the game. It’s like they did this just to legitimise his pathetic existence. “Well we had to include Funky because not only is he the coolest but the fastest too!” I really don’t understand how they determine character speeds in Mario Kart. Logic would suggest that the lightest character able to control their class of Kart would go the fastest due to the engine requiring the least amount of force to move them. I really don’t see Funky weighing less than the insubstantial King Boo. Maybe Funky Kong is so cool and strong that he can push/twist the accelerator extra hard. What a cunt.
If you’re playing online and someone is using Funky Kong, I wouldn’t even bother racing to win, just lurk behind Funky Kong ruining his game with red shells and shit until the wanker playing him gets the message and leaves. Fuck Funky Kong.