So it has been brought to my attention that groups of weak, spineless maggots are already, prior to release, forming Mario Kart 7 leagues where they will race without items. This has got to be the stupidest shit I’ve ever seen. Playing Mario Kart without items on would like drinking beer without alcohol or having sex without genitalia. It completely misses the point.
This group of fun hating chimpanzees are the sycophantic one eyed fanboys of Nintendo Life. Here’s the tweet that started it all.
So of course I let fly.
What Nintendo Life are doing is corrupting the soul, the pure essence of Mario Kart. It’s what has made Mario Kart so fucking fistworthy for the past two decades. They are shitting on the spiritual traditions of multiplayer Nintendo games. Super Mario Kart was the first racing game to ever feature item based combat. Together with crazy courses and loveable character it laid the foundation for the entire kart racing sub genre, a genre Mario Kart has always dominated despite pissweak challenges from Crash Bandicoot, Sonic, Konami and a host of loser no-names.
Now Nintendo Life have claimed that they “love Mario Kart”. Well if you ask me, they don’t love Mario Kart enough. They come across as the sort of invertebrates who race as Funky Kong and think Toad’s Turnpike is a good track. They love Mario Kart about as much as they love having pineapple’s shoved up their arseholes. Whenever I come across anyone who suggests turning items off in Mario Kart, I kick them out of the house, even if it’s their house. They don’t deserve the privilege of knowing me anymore.