Well it’s a brave new world that Nintendo have finally stepped into; online patching. Although strictly speaking the original Nintendo patch was for the Wii Ware version of Lylat Wars, (StarFox 64 in weaker territories) today’s update marks the first time Nintendo have updated a retail game online and not through discrete updated shipments to retailers.
Mario Kart 7 cannot be played online without the patch, you can embrace the future through the 3DS or just scan the image below.
The patch disables the awesome Wuhu Mountain Loop glitch as well as some other less notable ones, like GBA Bowser’s Castle 1. I miss the days when using outrageous shortcuts in Mario Kart, like jumping three quarters of Bowser’s Castle 1 with a feather on the SNES was not only legitimate, but encouraged.
Ok kids hold onto ya arseholes because a massive shortcut has been found in Wuhu Mountain Loop or Maku Wuhu as I’ve seen it called in silly countries. To activate it and skip almost the entire second section of the course, take a hard right off the track and into the river immediately before entering the cave. You should aim for the far wall. if done correctly Lakitu will place you on a later part of the track making times faster than 1:20 easily possible for the course.
Worryingly, I’ve verified that it’s possible to do without a mushroom, making it readily exploitable for online races.
And the Mario Kart community in general really. In Mario Kart 7, on the bottom screen there are lavish, full colour representations of each track as you race around. These are wonderful and I want them all. So if you’re some kinda freedom fighter ROM hacker, perhaps you could find the .png or .bmp or whatever Nintendo stores them as, files on a Mario Kart 7 rom and give them to me. I of course won’t claim ownership on these because Nintendo made them. It’d just help me out a lot and the wider Mario Kart community.
So I’ve done the basic run through of 150cc and played some online matches. I think I’m prepared to talk about Mario Kart 7. This isn’t a review because I hate reviews and any Mario Kart 7 review that doesn’t read; “it’s Mario Kart“, is a waste of time. I am going to file this under reviews though because, you know, convention. Instead this is an analysis of changes made to the Mario Kart formula in this, the seventh entry to the series. It’ll be posted here and over at Pietriots.
First up, I am really disappointed that the game doesn’t feature some of the more extensive time trial options that Mario Kart Wii included. By that I’m talking about being able to download regional and worldwide ghosts and examine the top ten rankings. This was a real source of motivation to improve in Mario Kart Wii and I’m proud to say I made the top ten in Australia for Cheep Cheep Beach and Vanilla Lake. That came from seeing that my times were close to the top times and having amazing ghosts to compete against in the form of wifi friends and housemates. The other great thing it did was tell stories. If you followed the world record times closely you’d see new shortcuts and techniques for tracks open up. It was incredible and I was hoping to dedicate a significant amount of words on this blog to just that aspect of the game as it went through early development stages. As it stands though, that commentary will now probably come from the elite players who I expect will be hanging around at the establish time trial communities. That link I just made though is dead at time of writing. And any stories that do come will only be fragments strewn across message board posts. It looks like history may be lost. View full article »
How to play Mario Kart properly will probably be a bit of a theme until I get myself a 3DS and Mario Kart 7. In this post on Pietriots, my brother in arms Grubdog dispels some common complaints morons have with Mario Kart games. In light of recent events, I especially want to highlight the following point he made:
If you’re not winning every race, it’s not because of items. It’s because of poor management. Some people seem to think that because they owned a SNES, that makes them “old school” and grants them a god-given right to be good at Mario Kart games for their entire life. Guess what, the whole world can see you play now, and you don’t stack up. You’re going to actually have to learn how to drive. That includes proper placement of your kart in times of crisis. You will get hit by items in every race, but so will everyone else. Whoever can DEAL with hazards the best will win the race. – Grubdog via You’re playing it wrong – Mario Kart Wii.
Playing with items on is part of the depth of Mario Kart. And if you’re going to burst into tears every time a blue shell hits you, maybe Mario Kart is too grown up for you. I suggest you read the rest of his article and sort out your life.
So it has been brought to my attention that groups of weak, spineless maggots are already, prior to release, forming Mario Kart 7 leagues where they will race without items. This has got to be the stupidest shit I’ve ever seen. Playing Mario Kart without items on would like drinking beer without alcohol or having sex without genitalia. It completely misses the point.
This group of fun hating chimpanzees are the sycophantic one eyed fanboys of Nintendo Life. Here’s the tweet that started it all.
So of course I let fly.
What Nintendo Life are doing is corrupting the soul, the pure essence of Mario Kart. It’s what has made Mario Kart so fucking fistworthy for the past two decades. They are shitting on the spiritual traditions of multiplayer Nintendo games. Super Mario Kart was the first racing game to ever feature item based combat. Together with crazy courses and loveable character it laid the foundation for the entire kart racing sub genre, a genre Mario Kart has always dominated despite pissweak challenges from Crash Bandicoot, Sonic, Konami and a host of loser no-names.
Now Nintendo Life have claimed that they “love Mario Kart”. Well if you ask me, they don’t love Mario Kart enough. They come across as the sort of invertebrates who race as Funky Kong and think Toad’s Turnpike is a good track. They love Mario Kart about as much as they love having pineapple’s shoved up their arseholes. Whenever I come across anyone who suggests turning items off in Mario Kart, I kick them out of the house, even if it’s their house. They don’t deserve the privilege of knowing me anymore.
Without a doubt, the worst character you could possibly select when playing Mario Kart is Funky Kong.
I feel bad just listing him as a ‘character’ because he has none at all. He’s some stupid fucking ape who wears sunglasses and surfs. If he was actually cool he wouldn’t need to call himself ‘Funky’. Did The Fonz call himself ‘Groovy Fonz’? No! He just was groovy. That’s what true coolness is; being envied without even trying. No one envies Funky Kong except for idiots and clowns. His inclusion in Mario Kart Wii is an insult to Mario, Luigi and all the true characters who’ve toiled for years in our hearts, building their reputations and becoming loved personalities the world over. Funky Kong is just some arsehole secondary character from the shitty Rare developed Donkey Kong games who never offered anything decent to the franchise. Funky Kong is to Donkey Kong what Poochie is to Itchy and Scratchy; a bullshit shoehorning of focus group tested ‘cool’ into a franchise to solve a perceived image problem. We’re just waiting for Funky Kong to go back to his home planet, dying on the way.
It gets worse though because Funky Kong is the fastest character in the game. It’s like they did this just to legitimise his pathetic existence. “Well we had to include Funky because not only is he the coolest but the fastest too!” I really don’t understand how they determine character speeds in Mario Kart. Logic would suggest that the lightest character able to control their class of Kart would go the fastest due to the engine requiring the least amount of force to move them. I really don’t see Funky weighing less than the insubstantial King Boo. Maybe Funky Kong is so cool and strong that he can push/twist the accelerator extra hard. What a cunt.
It should be the other hand so it's in the shape of an L on his forehead.
If you’re playing online and someone is using Funky Kong, I wouldn’t even bother racing to win, just lurk behind Funky Kong ruining his game with red shells and shit until the wanker playing him gets the message and leaves. Fuck Funky Kong.